A Living Testimony, by Jennifer

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A Living Testimony
by Jennifer

I used to worry what others thought of me......did I look OK? Was I kind enough to everyone to get on their good sides? I let people cheat off me in school.

My main problem was that I didn't love myself and that I had no respect for myself. I grew up always looking elsewhere to earn people's love and affection. I was going through some rough times at home too. At a young age, 5, I had seen my father throw knives at my mother and barely miss killing her. My parents had fought and yelled for years (always throwing things). Eventually they divorced. And I grew up from the ages of 7 to 15 1/2 with only seeing my father twice a year for a couple of weeks. He was always out traveling the world. I felt slighted, unloved, left behind.....my favorite parent and the person I had looked up to was gone....out of my life. My dad was always working (he worked for the Coast Guard)....and I would cry at night because I missed him so much and he wasn't there for me when I needed him.

My mom and stepfather (whom I never got along with well), had started to abuse me physically. My mom didn't like me much and accused me of sleeping with my stepfather at the age of 13 (which I never did!). She also thinks that I'm an animal murderer, which I have never harmed a fly! And she thinks I'm a lesbian, although I have had several boyfriends and I am as straight as they come! My mom also favored my sisters and they were never punished for anything they did that was wrong. I became VERY rebellious....and tried to hurt my mom's feelings.

I was often lonely and needed friends......my mom rarely let me go out and visit with the friends I had....so I often stayed at home missing out on the fun. My escape from the world wasn't through drugs or alcohol.....but through books. I developed a passion for reading and it consumed me. As long as I had a book to read, I felt safe. By reading I could live the life of any person I chose and go on the greatest of adventures.....reading helped me to forget all the trouble and hatred I went through day in and day out at home. I had spent most of my childhood years trying to earn my mom's affection.....I made good grades, played sports, played instruments, sang solos in school concerts, joined clubs, etc. Nothing worked....she still appeared to hate me and I was still abused regularly.

Well my father finally moved nearby me. So I was able to see him more often. Eventually I went and lived with him because the tension at home was too much. I had nearly committed suicide several times.......I remember that the last time I attempted it my mom drove me to the psychiatric end of a hospital at around 10pm on a Friday night. Only she left me there....out right ditched me! So I was there all alone talking with strangers who were trying to help and counsel me.....but they didn't help and they came across as uncaring and nosy people. I was at the hospital until 4am when my father finally came to pick me up, and he was angry.

To top it all off my health had been failing me for about 6 months prior.....and I had pneumonia, bronchitis, and asthma all at the same time...and I was involved in school sports and had a full schedule. I had always been a good student, but because I was having health problems, my grades started to slide......and I was depressed. I was forced to start seeing a family counselor, once a week, for 7 months.

Talking to her started to give me hope.....I talked to her about my childhood... everything that I had been through, my suicide attempts, what caused my depression..... she even had me talking about my faith in God. God...... someone I had forgotten during the past year of trials......... well the counselor didn't believe in God herself, but realized that God had once been VERY important in my life and that I needed Him back in my life......so I started to attend church weekly with my father and stepmother.....and redevoted my life to God's work. Now I feel as though my life has a purpose and a direction.....and it doesn't matter where I go or what I do.....I will always have Him by my side.
"...God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

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